How to get on the first page of Google by writing a How to make toast Hub.
By Tom Cornett
Since HubPages has been in a little slump lately....I thought I'd write a Hub that would launch it back up to the foot stool clouds of the Google gods. If every hubber would just follow my simple instructions...we will be back on the front pages in no time.
No. 1....Write about simple stuff like.... how to beat dirt out of a carpet......how to get out of mowing the lawn.....how to learn how to learn about the word,"how."
No. 2....Add plenty of pictures of your "How Hub." People get all angsty if they don't see pictures. The trend used to be chubby girls from India. I think it might swing to hot housewives and handsome, devilish, young studly men holding stuff up to sell. Like the pic of the pretty girl selling spatulas.
No. 3....Stick with your subject. Don't start a Hub about pet grooming and wander off to condoms.
See....she is selling spatulas.
Pictures are important!
Would you buy a spatula from the girl on the right. Guys....do you see the spatula? I guess I should follow my own advice and get on with writing about toasting. The history of toast probably started back about a few million years ago when Og was cooking breakfast because his wife Ooooza was being bitchy about Og staring at Wallawa while she was bent over...cleaning fish at the creek.
Og was probably grinding wet grain between two flat stones....started day dreaming about Wallawa and dropped the stones in the fire. Og probably shouted,"Grog a grrba grunt"....which is cave man talk for,"See what happens when I have to cook!" He pouted for a while and finally pulled the stones out of the fire....pulled them apart....then....Ola....TOAST!
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I would guess through extensive research that the pop up toaster was more than likely invented by the ancient Canadians (Canadianites). I came to this conclusion because I've heard Canadians complaining in motels...bitching about the continental breakfast not being ready when they arrived in the lobby. I figured that Canadians hated to wait on their food so they more than likely invented a quicker...easier toaster.
I read somewhere that we need to have at least 800 words in a Hub to get on Google's first page. Just bear with me as I condense my thoughts on making toast down to 800 measly words. Let's get started folks! You'll need bread....a toaster and some electricity unless your an Amish person reading this? If you are Amish....please click on my "How to make Amish toast with two skillets and a fire poker".
Arrrr ya lookin' fer a Pirate Toaster matey?
Kinds of toasters
There are all kinds of toasters out there. There are Pirate toasters......Sissy toasters.....Use to be Radio toasters...etc. My old Irish hubber friend,"The Captain" would appreciate the pirate toaster.
It's well known that Pirates loved toast. I can picture in my mind....Pirates huddled around the deck of a ship.....waiting for the toast to pop up. I bet a lot of Pirates were killed over who got the first piece of toast....probably how so many of them lost their hands and got shiny new hooks.
I'm just adding this line to level it out with the pic on the right.
Toaster that use to be a radio.
This obviously was once a radio.
I would guesstimate that the toaster on the right use to be a 1950s radio. Probably, more than likely RCA (back in the 50s) over produced a crap load of lavender radios because some middle management geek proposed to the company executives that "Gay was on the way!"
He...himself was probably hiding in the cedar closet. It must have been really, really....I mean REALLY hard to be Gay back in the 1950s. Any how....RCA probably shoved all those lavender radios in some big storage building. Fast forward to 2000s.......RCA sells building and contents to toaster company. A middle management Gay guy gets the idea to turn them into toasters.....and.....
the rest is history!
Ergonomic toaster
Carpal tunnel....GOODBYE!
Genius! Now we don't have to uncomfortably lift our arms to insert or remove toast while we're sitting at the table! We don't have to actually stand up and impatiently watch our toast turning brown! The anticipation might still be there but WHO CARES?
I can't count the times I dragged myself out of bed and actually had to stand over a hot toaster and WAIT for my toast! I know...I could have sat down and waited.....but....I say but....at 5:00 in the morning....I DON"T WANT TO!
I have to stand up and watch it...I don't know why....I just have to.
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A Toast to Toast!
I am going to delve into why I love to make toast. I know...I was just bitching about waiting...bla...bla...bla. (I wonder if "bla" counts as a word on Google?) Anyhow....When I was a kid...we had one of those fat, roundish chrome toasters. I use to love looking at my distorted face in it. Mom would shout at me,"You'll burn your nose off!"
Dad would just grin. I know he was waiting for me to burn my nose off so he could say,"See...your mother was right!" Nevertheless....I still shoved my face close to the toaster and one of my brothers would often shove my face into the toaster.
What would families be without toasters?
Monogram Toaster
For the serious toast master.
Monogram spoons....blah....monogram napkins....BORING! Finally someone has come up with Monogram Toast! What's next....Coat of Arms? WOW....light bulb in brain! A toaster with a keyboard so we could write messages to each other. I could bring down the sticky note empire! Talk about the environmental impact....."Save a tree, type your toast!"
The momogram toaster on the right would come in real handy for a guy who is marrying a glutton. He could buy 14 toasters and spell out,"Will you marry me?"
Jeezy beans....a pop art toaster!
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Now I've seen it all!
Disney has even got in on the toasting trend! A Mickey Mouse toaster that burns a pic of Mickey! In all reality...this is about as useless as a four wheel drive airplane...but it is a novelty to entertain kids and slighly disturbed adults. I have to have 800 words by now?
Anyhow....when my time on this old earth is done and I pass through the pearly gates...old Saint Pete will be inquiring about what we learned in our lives? I can proudly stand and say,"I can make toast!
I was going to end it there but I had to level this out with my Amazon ad thingy.
Just for Hubbers
Do you think this Hub will reach Googles first page on...."How to get on the first page of Google by writing a how to make toast Hub?
See results without votingComments
Tammy....I bet it's 799. Yes...I shall make thee toast! :)
i'LL TOAST TO THAT...Hic Hic...what we have to have 800 words now? Holy Cow...:O) Hugs G-Ma
Okay, but you have to buy me the pirate toaster!!!! :D
G-Ma.....Yip....it's hard to get 800 words about toast. Big Hug! :)
Tammy....OK...but I get one with guitars. :)
Even on recipes?
Hi G-ma! No, you don't HAVE to have 800 words, lol...they just recommend it to get a better ranking with Google, from what I've heard--and we need ALL the help we can get, haha! :)
And Tom, of course you can have one with guitars!!!
Oh Tom! This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long time -- and it's all about toast! Errr... almost!
Thanks Ivorwen....so glad to see you stop by and grin :)
Oh Tom, this was brilliant and really gave me a good laugh. Just what we all need when our viewings and Adsense earnings are so far down. :D
I checked, Tom...1020 words--CONGRATS! :)
A great hub, so unique and I still have a smile on my face. Thank you for this useful and entertaining hub. I now look forward to reading much more of your work.
Take care
Eiddwen.
rofl. Fantastic. I think I'll take on How to learn how to learn about the word how. Since I'm Amish, I related to your related article, so thank you for that. However, I must say I do suffer from carpel tunnel and would like to know how an Amish person such as myself could get their hands on a non electric ergonomic toaster. Thank you.
Reading a Hub that makes me chuckle really makes my day. Poppingly good! Oh, nicely laid out, too. I'm sure all your readers appreciate the effort you put into saying how you were balancing the text with the pictures. :)
Thanks Tom, I hope you make it to Googles first page. Thank you for sharing. Godspeed. creativeone59
Thanks Misty....so glad to make you laugh. :)
Tammy...wow...1020...that might be a record for me! :)
Thank you Eiddwen. :)
Frieda...I heard that Amish women are wild! Did you get carpal tunnel from churnig butter? Amish ergonomic toaster.....Put piece of bread between two flat skillets...hold over fire (Switching hands)...then have Ira or Jacob pop it out with a poker. :)
Thanks Sally...yip...got to have ballance. :)
Creativeone...thank you...blessings. :)
I am appalled. I thought Tammy banned you from the kitchen. I wouldn't let my 8 year old cook and I certainly wouldn't let a Tom Cornett near any type of kitchen appliance except a refrigerator full of beer. Using a toaster, I am especially worried for Tom that some beard hair might get caught in some weird way in that dangerous contraption and spark a fire.
Also: Reader's beware! I don't believe Tom is a qualified expert on either toasters or big brother, er, I mean google.
Hello Mr' Citizen.....for your infomation...I wear a Beard Buddy that is fire retardent and is a nationally approved PPE under OSHA guideline #446.3367.
And....Am so qualified...uncle Dick(nicknamed...Old Popup) taught me everything about toast, women and hard liquor! :)
Hi Tom, great entertaining hub which made for a very enjoyable read !
kashmir....thank you. :)
Hahaha, this was a great read! The funniest part had to be the "waiting at 5am" I know what you mean, THE TORMENT! Who wants to WAIT for toast? NOBODY. Exactly. I'm wondering though, what made Google lower HubPage's web ranking so much? I remember hearing about it a few months ago but I can't remember because I was "taking a break" from HubPages at that time. Great hub, voted UP! :)
Londonlady....thanks....I think HubPages got lowered because people were putting Hubs on that that weren't googariffic! :)
Haha, maybe I should research that and make a "How To Not Get Your Page Rank Lowered" ...that'll be a good How To hub, to stay with the theme here.
LOL....don't forget your 800 words! :)
Read this hub with great interest. A really enjoyable and witty read.
Thank you jacqui. :)
interesting hub TOM...its write to be on first page of google you should have written in simple n impressive style and have 800 words specially in you hub:)
Thanks AZ. :)
I never saw the spatula, but I'm sure that she could sell them by the truck loads. I think I'd been in on enough serious writing by you that I didn't realize that you had such good humor. What goes down must come back up!
Thanks Wes.....yip...it must pop back up. :)
Good advice tom, I believe as long as you write quality hubs even if it is not a how to hub it will make it to the top of GOOGLe. My story PS I still love you http://hubpages.com/hub/PS-I-still-love-you---Part is on google 1st page and so the article on Subprime loans. Keep up the good work.
Thanks Jay. :)
Lol. Good hub.
Thank you Lilleyth :)
Yes this is also a good method for Google ranking. But there are many other methods to promote or increase your google rank. Thanks for this. Good effort.
Its really makes me delight to read. keep it up
Thank you arik :)
Nice hub. Too Good.
Thank you sugriva. :)
Here's toasting to this hub! This was adorably written and like, oh wow, a pink toaster, my inner Barbie is aquiver! This was informative and funny at the same time. Excellent.
poetvix....thanks....."Inner Barbie"...LOL! There must be a Hub waiting for that title. :)
Hi Tom, Not only did you write a great hub, you gained quite a few comments. Good for you.
agaglia....thank you! :)
...gotta admit Tom - the sexy chef got my attention - and she can burn my toast anyday ...... of the week - and I can see why you have a million plus followers - your hubs are , well, hubawesome!
lake erie time 8:53am last cup of coffee for today in Ontario, Canada with Schubert and Bach playing and daybreak over the lake ....
epigramman...LOL...I think she may be a pause point in the hub. Thanks for the kind comment and it sounds wonderful to look out over Erie...listening to beautiful music. :)
Common but informative topic is disscussing. Nice work done. keep it up.
cheap tickets to zimbabwe....thank you. :)
Funny stuff..voted up! If I were Amish
a) I probably be doing toast like Og...
b) Would I even be reading this hub?
Zabbella...thank you...LOL...you have a point. :)
LMBO! Thanks for verifying that another great breakfast food (and a "proper" BLT) came out of Male Mind Wandering.
An uncle took "pop up" to new heights...literally...when the pop up mechanism wasn't working. Somehow adjusted it so that toast *jumped* 3 feet above the toaster. Claimed it wasn't an accident...yeah, right...that he planned it that way to eliminate burned fingers and toast would (and did) jump from the toaster to a well-placed plate. But Auntie wasn't amused. Said if she'd wanted to catch flying objects in midair, she woulda been a baseball player. ;D
Thanks Jama....LOL....That is my kind of uncle. I would buy a toaster like that along with a jelly squirt gun. :)
Oh this was hysterical.. nice Hub! :)
PeanutButterWine....thank you. :o)
Nice Hub Tom. I'm sure you were on the first page but I guess with Panda? Now I have a hankering for french toast.
Thanks Jewels....I love French toast! :o)
Mmmmmm toast... I love toast... Hey, isn't there a song about toast? I wonder if youtube has that video? Was just cruising around HubPages typing in ideas in the search bar and stumbled over this. Brilliant!! I love it! Thanks for the early morning giggle!!
Thanks Susie....there is a song about toast. Glad to make you giggle. :o)
chuckles ~ I saw this on my Facebook feed. Did it make it to the first page?? Thanks for the giggles. :))
Thanks Rebekah....It made it to the first page if you search in reverse. Glad to make you grin. :o)
TamCor 13 months ago
This is great, Tom, but the real question is...
"Did you get your 800 words in?" AND ALSO....
When are you going to make me some toast?????????
Love it! :D