No using the word no! practical parenting
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My daughter was taking classes in Early Childhood Development at the local JVS school. She came home one day and told us that her teacher made it mandatory to never...ever use the word "No" when communicating with children. She claimed that the word "No" was a negative word and the children do not need to be trained with negativity.
My first thought was, "Dumb.Ass!" My second thought was, "Idiot!"
For example: Johny is stabbing Suzy with his pencil. Teacher says."Johny...we must be positive in our actions.....it is good that you only stabbed Suzy 3 times this time....you get a gold star on your very creative picture of mommy with a noose on her neck ...love...love...love Johny...now go sharpen your pencil...please sweetie?"
Me as the Teacher: Johnny stabs Suzy with pencil. I pick little Johny's ass up....look him in the eye and calmly say," No Johny....you need to learn the word, "NO".....if you don't learn the word ,"NO".....I will give all of the girls in class a nice sharp pencil.....do you understand....Johny?"
Scenario A......4 year old Johny runs toward busy street. Mommy catches Johny...tells Johny with positive reinforcement," Johny...those biggie cars could possibly give Johny a booboo...it is so good that Johny can run fast.....mommy loves...loves...loves Johny!"
Scenario B......Johny runs towards busy street again.....Mommy can't use the negative,"No" word...so she shouts,"Johny...remember the biggie cars can"....SPLAT!
I can't count the times that I have seen parents lose control of their children in restaurants, stores and other public places. Our children knew early on that we meant what we said. Tammy and I have said "NO" to our kids hundreds of times. We even developed a "NO" look.
The world is going to say "NO" for a human beings entire life. We prepare our children for the world ....they need to socialize with the world and they need to learn how to deal with the world. Sheltering children to extremes from reality will only hurt them throughout their lives.
The world is not a positive place for the most part. Much of the world is filled with ruthless and selfish people. Children need to know how to discern the motives and actions of people. The word, "NO" is far more important than the word,"YES!"
Yes, we have to love our children enough to say, "NO!"
Using the word......NO
Do you tell your children NO?
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Thanks dori....good point...teach facts...not opinions. Thanks! :)
Hi Tom.. I believe that in this "yes" society, parents of today definitely need to use the word "NO" much, much more. This was a great topic for discussion for parents with children of any age, and gives a lot of room for thought. I really enjoyed reading another great hub from you. Keep them coming.. you are so versatile in your writing selections and I sincerely love coming back each time to visit.
I have noticed when I go into the classrooms, that a teacher rather than tell a child that is acting wrongly..... will say everyone "look at so and so, I am going to give him a bonus mark for his body language, and good behavior".. Often the erring child, who also would like a bonus point, since it could mean a treat at the end of the week, will copy so and so...
It is different at home though, there has to be definite no's... loved this hub, thanks for sharing.
no no no no no , 'no' is a word that is encountered almost every day, if a child never experiences it, what then would happen when someone dares to say it to them? I wonder!!
Never say no to a child? I shudder to think of the consequences of that!
Tom, this is very funny, but with a serious message. I'm with you!
This logic has done more harm than good over the last twenty years. Kids must understand that things don't always go their way and that there are rules to follow. There were actually some schools that would not use games where you keep score because that don't want any kids to feel bad. That is insane. How is that preparing a child for life?
Tom
The teacher must be a big fan of Chicken Soup for the Soul-type of books. Good point! :D
Thank you all so much for commenting. "No" can be one of the most wonderful and useful words....hindsight in our own lives can prove it. Thanks again! :)
My boys hear the word 'NO' about a thousand times a day! Makes me think of an old Bill Cosby skit about the dad always yelling at the sons, they thought their names were dammit and Jesus Christ. My son probably thinks his name is Carsen No. hahaha
don't tell kids no, what a joke!
It it weren't for, "NO! Stop!" My oldest would have been 'Spat!'
I use the word, once, then the "look" and it's done. There's a place for building self-esteme and positive reinforcement. But dangit, there's a place for "NO!"
Thank you Tom, for boldness to say No with humor!
Yeah, psychology courses have been contributing to this. While psychology has been useful, it's definitely not flawless.
This brand of psychology is a load of Rhinoceros poo.
Being positive is good. However, it is our job as a parent to teach our children. No, allows them to learn right, wrong, safe, not safe, and so forth. Good parenting involves judicious use of this and similar words and phrases. Nice hub.
mulberry1...thanks....well said. :)
"No" is very useful especially for kids...My kids learned very young not to ask for anything at the store BEFORE we even left the house. The "look" was enough while at the store. Naturally, "NO" would be most useful when something dangerous is about to happen ( your Splat scenario) So I agree with you completely!
Zabbella.....I forgot to mention preparation of "NO." Glad you added it here. Thanks much! :)
Love the hub!! I definitely believe in saying "NO"....:-)
caitlinlea...thank you....sometimes it's the best word of all.
Children definitely need to learn to accept no as an answer, also.
advisor4qb...thanks....good point. :)
ever hear one of those idiots trying to reason with a two-year-old? blows me away every time.
good hub Tom :)
Madame X......I know what you mean.....thanks! :)
Hi Tom, another great hub.
I think that in all things there must be balance. When it comes to raising kids though I think it is better to err on the positive side. I think my parents went a bit too much onto the other side, and while it did not make me seriously non-functioning :), it did affect me and still affects me today.
shibashake...thanks.....good point....negatives can definitely be over used in raising children. We need to balance the - and the + always if we can. Thanks again. :)
Interseting article and some really good points you make! Saying no is just being cruel to be kind in the long run!!
No aand don't touch! Too many of these pervets were never told by mommy not to touch either. Very important stuff here Tom. Hey, do you ever check yer email? I have an invite for you if ya ever do. very important stuff there too my man. humph
compu-smart.....thanks....so true! :)
ralwus.....thanks Charlie...yip....already did it. :)
yeah...i totally agree to your idea.... kids must learn to accept reality that the world won't give everything they desire... right Tom!
anne....thanks.....yes...that idea has gotten us all in the trouble we are in today....thanks again! :)
GREAT GREAT GREAT HUB!! While I'm not a parent, I am a god mother to a number of toddlers....and the word NO needs to be used a lot more frequently with them. I don't understand why parents today are so afraid of 1) telling their children "NO" and 2) of disciplining their children...even with spankings (of course i'm not talking about BEATING). I'm 24, so my mom was from the baby boomer generation. A generation that had to go pick their switches to get spankings with. That was a generation that grew up to be self respecting, to have morals, to be innovative, and not expecting things to be handed to them in life! Today's youth are in for a world of hurt once they enter the real world...they've been coddled for far too long. Life will hit HARD.
Beauty Speaks...thanks much!....sounds like you will be a wise mom....respect is everything...in adults and children. Thanks again! :)
The first word all three of my children spoke was, "No!"
If they can use it, so can I!
James...thanks....good point! :)
I agree, the word "NO" is important for children to know. The same people who don't want to use that word because it is negative are the same people who ruin sports for children by not keeping score and giving everyone on every team a trophy...it's retarded.
Adam....I agree..."No" is a large part of learning in life. How can we learn to reach any goals if the goals have nothing to do with overcoming the negative to reach the positive?
The concept of not using the word "no" is not about letting a child "get their way" or get whatever they want, its about speaking in the positive and not the negative. I NEVER use the word "no" with my child...not to teach him anyway. I tell him "no" without using the word "no". If he wants a popsicle for breakfast I tell him "you can have one after lunch or dinner". If he wants to climb something I tell him "your feet stay on the floor"...or, better yet, I redirect him to climb on something that is appropriate to climb on. If he wants to hole the scissors (he is not yet 2), I tell him "yes, you can hold them, but you need to sit down with mommy because they can be dangerous"...and I TEACH him how to hold them and use them. I always tell him what I want him to do rather than telling him "no" and what not to do. I have never had to baby proof my house, I never even have to discipline him...he has never screamed at me, he has never hit anyone, he has never even had a tantrum!! I am definitely a "yes" mom, but it doesnt mean I let my child get or do whatever he wants.
As for running in the street. I have taught my child that "we stay on the sidewalk"...and if he head toward the street I tell him "stay in the grass" (our yard) or I simply say "stop". He listens and knows what to do because I have TAUGHT him! "Little Johnny" stabbed Suzy with his pencil because instead of his parents TEACHING him appropriate behaviors, they simply told him "no"!!!
Perhaps that works for you. Nevertheless..."No" is a very important word. What will a child do when the world tells him/her "No" Unless they are raised in a bubble...they will hear it. I've seen the results too many times from "Positive people."
Their children almost always suffer because of their lack of discipline....so...No...I don't agree with you.
Lack of discipline?? I tell my child NO every day...I just dont use the word NO. He knows the word, he hears it from other "NO MOMS" like you. I would rather teach him how to do something rather than simply NO him to death. My child has been taught so well, in the positive, that at the ripe age of 23 months old, I have never had to "discipline" him...I have had to use a firm voice with him maybe 3 times in his life...he has never hit me or any other person...he has never even had a tantrum. He listens to me, respects me, and knows his boundaries.
I have worked with children for 12 years, have a double masters degree in Exceptional Children Education and Early Childhood Development. I have seen the confidence and self esteem one fosters in a child by teaching and speaking to them in the positive.
What you dont seem to understand is that its not about "disciplining" your child...its about doing it in a way that TEACHES them instead of just saying NO NO NO (or God forbid, using TIME OUT).
I also think that its healthy for a child to be disappointed, deal with it, learn from it, and move on. My child learns this every day and will learn it even more as he gets older...but Im confident that he will have enough confidence, self esteem, respect for adults, respect for rules, and the ability to express himself appropriately, that he will be just fine.
Lack of discipline?? I tell my child NO every day...I just dont use the word NO. He knows the word, he hears it from other "NO MOMS". I would rather teach him how to do something rather than simply NO him to death. My child has been taught so well, in the positive, that at the ripe age of 23 months old, I have never had to "discipline" him...I have had to use a firm voice with him maybe 3 times in his life...he has never hit me or any other person...he has never even had a tantrum. He listens to me, respects me, and knows his boundaries.
I have worked with children for 12 years, have a double masters degree in Exceptional Children Education and Early Childhood Development. I have seen the confidence and self esteem one fosters in a child by teaching and speaking to them in the positive.
What you dont seem to understand is that its not about "disciplining" your child...its about doing it in a way that TEACHES them instead of just saying NO NO NO (or God forbid, using TIME OUT).
I also think that its healthy for a child to be disappointed, deal with it, learn from it, and move on. My child learns this every day and will learn it even more as he gets older...but Im confident that he will have enough confidence, self esteem, respect for adults, respect for rules, and the ability to express himself appropriately, that he will be just fine.
Bravo Ashley! Time, she's not telling you "no" either, she's teaching you what it means to parent & teach children mindfully rather than taking the lazy way out and slapping them with a "no" which teaches them nothing about making good choices in life.
Amen to that, Amy...and thank you! PS - I know you were addressing TOM in that post. :)
OOOOhhhh...A double masters degree! I guess that puts me in may place. I is just to ignernt to cornprehend yer edumacationary genieyus.. And...now saying "No" is "Slapping?"
Is Amy your other ID?
Read the other posts here...you're far outnumbered...or maybe all us Hubbers is just palyne bad perents.? :)
You get quite defensive and sarcastic when someone challenges your parenting knowledge, huh? I contemplated stating my education and simply did in order to validate my experience with children; Not to imply that you were not intelligent. Its not even a matter of intelligence. You can be intelligent and still be ignorant to things. I did read the other comments and it saddens me that so many parents don't educate themselves more and are not open to a better way...its just laziness. I'm sure you would love to think that Amy's post was written by me. Unfortunately for you, not EVERY parent agrees with your parenting, or lack thereof.
I don't have a masters degree in anything and I agree with Ashley and have seen it work with my very own child. I recently took a parenting course that also encourages parents to stop using the word "no" (and either use positive language to redirect or words like "stop" or "freeze" if a child is in serious danger). I have to admit that it was hard to change that for both me and my husband. I didn't realize how often I was saying "no" to my daughter each day until taking the course. I saw an IMMEDIATE change in my daughter's attitude, behavior and just general mood once I took "no" out of my vocabulary. She's now two and throws less tantrums and is just more manageable. Yes, the world is a cruel, negative place at times but children who are brought up in a safe, positive, nurturing home will handle it FAR better than a child raised in a home where "no" is the norm. What is the world coming to?!
Is there any statistical evidence (Not academic opinion) to prove that saying,"No" harms a child?
Not only has no one stated that using the word NO harms a child, but YOUR initial arguement was not even based on statistical evidence itself.
OK....If you think "No" doesn't harm a child...what is the problem? Also....common sense needs no statistics....it simply works. Accusing parents of being lazy for using "No" is not only irresponsible but a tad self righteous.
Look at the results in the poll above. Why waste all this time arguing with me about it? If your conviction is that deep....do something about it...like write a Hub.
ASHLEY WROTE..."I did read the other comments and it saddens me that so many parents don't educate themselves more and are not open to a better way...its just laziness. I'm sure you would love to think that Amy's post was written by me. Unfortunately for you, not EVERY parent agrees with your parenting, or lack thereof."
What a condescending statement--and coming from someone who only has one small child. You have NO way of knowing how your child is going to turn out, anymore than anyone else does. And I don't think your education in child education gives you a one-up of any kind.
Child-rearing experience, plain and simple, is what it takes to become any kind of knowledgeable parent--no books are going to teach you what a child needs, or doesn't need, on a daily basis, sorry.
You described your child as never having hit anyone, screamed at you, or had a tantrum. Well, I have a son who was just like that at that age, and today is a wonderful 21 year old man, kind and gentle, and in his third year of college. I have never ONCE heard him raise his voice towards me, or anyone else.
And guess what else? He was told NO growing up, believe it or not. It never harmed him in the least--nor did it harm our older two children. Tantrums? Never. Hitting anyone? Never.
Now, explain that one away. There is no one correct way of raising a child. For you to say other parents are lazy for not doing what you do is just simply narrow-minded and patronizing.
Like Tom said, children need to learn what NO means before they get older, and face what life has in store for them. There aren't always alternatives available--sometimes one is just told "NO", and a child has to learn to deal with the finality of that word, for their own good.
Sometimes there isn't TIME to explain why they can't do something--a two year old who darts out towards the street doesn't have enough time to be lectured at that precise moment, do they? A parent will say the strongest word possible to get their attention, and usually that word is NO. Who cares if it hurts their feelings at the time? A hurt feeling is 100% better than a hurt child.
The time for talking is after the child is safe in your arms, not when they are running towards a busy street, or running up to a strange dog--by the time you get done "reasoning" with them, they could be dead...harsh as that sounds, it's true.
Well, TamCor, I guess Im just a different kind of parent than you because I MAKE the time to explain things to my child. I also dont believe that having one small child invalidates my knowledge and experience. Before I had "one small child" I had a classroom of 29 students ages 4-5 for five years, and then for 9 years I taught children with autism. You may not consider that "child rearing", but I can promise you that I spent more time with those children than their own parents did. I have seen teachers (and parents) beat children down by "NOing" them to death and I have seen the confidence and self-esteem teaching and speaking to children in the positive gives a child. If you know that this lifts your child up, then why not try it, why not change? If you have the knowledge, use it...it can only be a positive in the long run. My parents used NO with me and spanked me...the whole nine yards...and today Im happy and healthy...but if I know a better way, that can help my child even more and lessen anxiety and behavior problems...then why wouldn't I give that to him? Its like being a speech pathologist, having the knowledge to help your child learn language early on, and not giving that to them. It makes no sense...and YES, I think its LAZINESS!!!!!
Also, my knowledge does not come from my educational background, so lets stop harping on that. I never even learned about speaking in the positive and not using the word NO until I was actually working with children.
I would comment again but I'm just too lazy.
Well, ASHLEY...obviously, it's your way or the highway--you know best, and the rest of us who have raised and nurtured children--and yes, actually talked to and taught them--know nothing compared to you, lol.
All I will say is that you will find out, in the years ahead, that there is no one perfect way to raise children--it's pretty thick-headed of you to assume you know how I raised mine, or that your way is better. Mine are all in their 20's, and live happy, balanced lives, so obviously, my husband and I did something right.
You can ask them about how many hours they have listened to us advising them, counseling them, and steering them in the right direction when they asked us to, now that they have become adults. They received all that as children, and will always receive it, as long as they want to listen.
For you to assume that we didn't, and to call us, and other parents lazy, is assinine, immature, and contemptuous on your part.
Ashley, I'm afraid the problem here is that you're offering legitimate, healthy parenting tools that and these people feel defensive because they chose to repeat the patterns they learned from their parents rather than seek out a better way.
Children are going to learn the word no whether we say it at home or not. They will have plenty of time to adjust to being told know between the age of 0-5 when they're at the playground, visiting friends, or attending preschool. I don't think it's too much to ask that parents try to teach their children what they want their children to do rather than always telling them what they can't do. My child says please & thank you not because I make her say it before I giver her anything but because I model that behavior and because I say those words when she doesn't say anything. It's not to much to ask for parents to be their children's primary teachers. They watch every single thing we do and hear and think about returning we say whether we think they're listening or not.
I'm sorry everyone is so offended. Usually people on the defense stop paying attention to possibilities and simply stand their ground out of stubbornness. I hope that will not be the case for everyone on this forum.
Thanks Tom for bringing up a very good topic and opening ip the discussion. I don't want to always be right. I want to learn from discussion, not just find camaraderie to prove my own views all the time. There's enough of that in our political world as it is.
Oh, and TamCor, before you start smearing accusations you should probably reread what Ashley wrote. She is sticking to the topic: using "no" with children. You don't need to smear your opinions about her character based on your own insecurities id youre hapy with thw way you raised your child then sit content in yhat knowledge. How many kids do you have?
Amy--No, the problem is not that we're being defensive at all. I am trying to explain the way that I raised my now-grown children to a woman who thinks I did it the wrong way, even though I told her how well-adjusted and happy they are.
Yes, children are going to learn the word no in the outside world--that's true. But hearing it at home is not going to "ruin" them--I promise you.
Something we have in common--my children have always said please and thank you, also--without me forcing them, too. Even to this day, when they eat a meal with us, they thank me for it, and tell me how great it was. Not out of fear that I'd get upset at them for NOT saying it, but out of love and respect for me.
They followed my, and my husband's, lead in the common courtesy area--we have always said "Please" and "Thank You" to each other.
You two are making it sound as if that's all we were doing is saying no to our kids, and it's just not true.
It takes a balance of methods--no one way is the true, right way.
Towards the end of my last comment, yes, I guess I may have gotten a little defensive, being called a lazy parent tends to bring out the mama bear in me.
I am a mom, and a grandmother now, and NO ONE is going to attack my child-rearing methods in such a condescending way, without me coming back and saying something in defense.
Would you?
Amy--I guess you should do some re-reading yourself...I mentioned that I have three adult children.
And believe me, I have no insecurities about the way we raised our children, so you are way off base there, thank you very much.
How many times do I have to say that Im just trying to shed some light...Im not saying that using the word NO is going to damage a child, there is just a better way. I also did not assume anything, TamCor...you yourself said "Sometimes there is not time to explain everything to your child" (or something to that extent) and I simply stated that I guess Im a different parent than you. I apologize for using the word "lazy"...I only use that in reference to parents who dont even TRY to learn a better way. I think a lot of it is just simple lack of knowledge. Im really trying to "shed some light" more than argue. Its sad when parents get so caught up in the mindset of "I turned out alright" and follow in their parents footsteps when they could do even better for their children.
TamCor - Insecurity is NOT a good color on you...and Amy is right, if you are happy with the way your raised your children, you should be content in that.
Also, TamCor, its not "my way or the highway", but when it comes to eliminating the word NO from your vocabulary and speaking in the positive toward children, I DO know the positive effects it has on them. I have seen it in hundreds of kids.
Ashley--Believe me, I did NOT follow in my parents' footsteps when it came to child-raising...my mom said "no" and that was it. I said "no", and then let them know why they couldn't do this or that.
But, yes, sometimes there is not time to explain something to a child--as Tom mentioned, like when a child is doing something potentially life-threatening. How can you disagree with that?
I accept your apology about the lazy comment...BUT I am not insecure--I just don't know where you even come up with that idea. I have had each one of my kids tell me, since they've grown up, how grateful they were to have us as parents--so how in the world could I feel insecure about my child-raising abilities after being told that???
Tom was trying to make a point, and I think he did it very well, and it's comforting to me that so many others agree--a lot of them have already raised their kids, also, so they can comment from experience, just as I did.
You can call us what you will, but don't call us repeats of our own parents--that's just not true.
Just want to say, Thanks ladies for bumping up my hits! :)
I was speaking "in general"...again, not assuming you followed in your parents footsteps. I guess in life threatening situations I would use "stop" or "freeze", but I have never really had to do that because I have put so much time into teaching him safety and how to use things safely (and no, Im not insinuating that you didnt teach your children).
I guess name calling and character smearing is a sign of being defensive, which is a sign of insecurity. Thats is where that comment came from.
I, too, am trying to make a point...that there is a better way. Its like I stated before with my speech pathologist example.
Im not bashing you as a parent, but if you had known a better way...a more positive way (when your children were 0-5)...wouldnt you have tried it? Sounds to me like you would have.
As you can tell, Im VERY passionate about this...and that comes from seeing so many children thrive and do a complete 180 with this kind of interaction.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.
"Just want to say, Thanks ladies for bumping up my hits!"
You're welcome sweetie! :)
So, Tom is your son?
:)
lol...no, try my husband...:)
Ashley, we will just have to agree to disagree here--you have your way, I had mine, and neither of us are going to budge. And as far as the name calling and character smearing, well, that went both ways, now didn't it? :)
I must give you one piece of advice, though. You mentioned that you have spent so much time in teaching your son safety. That's a good thing--we did, too.
BUT, please believe, for his sake, that sometimes kids will throw all they've learned right out the window, doing things that you would never imagine them doing.
So always be diligent with him--never assume that he wouldn't dash out into a street, or even pick up a loaded gun, just because you've taught him it's bad.
Not saying you would be lax there, but like I said, for his sake, please be aware. I wrote a hub about this awhile back, on gun danger and parents' reactions to their children handling one, if you'd like to check it out--it was a scary one to write, but a necessary one:
aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, is this CNN, you've written an extremest article, please include any positives you have on this subject, your teaching the whole world you know, NO?
Erik....nope :)
fortunerep Level 1 Commenter 2 years ago
I think I have said no repeatedly today and a couple by mistake. A teacher teaching that should not be allowed. That is her opinion not facts. Great Hub
dori