The Lord of Vingran

He sat...tied with zip ties to a chair in the interrogation room. He could hear the woman down the hall...screaming strange words with much anger. Detective Sam Smith walked back in the room and slammed the door behind him. The man in the chair didn't flinch at all.

The detective dropped a flle folder on the table...took a deep breath and said,"Ok tin man..tell me your story one more time."

The man spoke loudly,"I am Lord Aigam of Vingran...fetch my axe and set me free!"

Detective Smith cocked his head to the side...half grinned and grumbled,"Uh...we are still trying to pull it out of the hood of the cruiser you destroyed...after the officers emptied three cans of mace in your face."

Lord Aigam spoke,"Your blue soldiers fight like women."

Detective Smith grinned and loudly said,"They aren't used to fighting a six foot seven inch brute...covered in armor and weilding a fifteen pound.....AXE!"

Detective Smith exhaled and said,"Just tell me the story...tell me the damn story."

Lord Aigam spoke,"I am Lord Aigam...Lord of the land called Vingran...I was being pursued by Lords of the dark lands.....I had laid with three of their wives....they returned from battling the mountain Lords and found I had ruined the wenches."

Detective Smith interrupted and said,"You can skip the part about your little lord being as long as your forearm.....please go on."

Lord Aigam stared at his bronze helmet on the table and said,"The Lords were angered and wished to kill me.....I came to a pass between two hills....I saw a cave entry with a red glow and I entered bravely...I shouted for who was tending the fire but got no answer...I walked far into the cave...I saw a strange door and I opened it with my axe."

Detective Smith smirked and said,"Ever heard of a DOOR KNOB?"

Lord Aigam asked,"What is a door knob?"

Detective Smith frowned and said,"Just finish the story."

Lord Aigam continued,"One hammer of my axe broke the door away...it crumbled like crystal lamps...I took three steps and saw the wench in the strange clothing and hat on her head."

Detective Smith said,"Cowboy hat....a Cowboy hat."

Lord Aigam went on,"She had fire in her fingers...she blew smoke from her face...a strange...sweet smoke."

Detective Smith grumbled,"Come on man...you know what a joint is...you may have escaped from the wacky ward but don't try to pull that sh*t on me...oh...fl**k it just go on!"

Lord Aigam cleared his throat and said,"The wench gave me of portions ...the fire and smoke by what she named..."shotgun".....she began to dance on my person....she placed her hands beneath my waist of chain mail...she began proclaiming the words....yeehaw and mounted herself upon myself."

Detective Smith got down in front of Lord Aigam's face and growled,"She was screaming,"NO" when the officers arrived!"

Lord Aigam grinned and said,"She was screaming,"YES" up until they arrived."

Hard knocks banged on the door.

Detective Smith grumbled some curse words and opened the door fast....screaming,"What!"

An officer, the woman and a lawyer were standing outside of the door as the officer said,"Miss Lavender Lane...here...called her lawyer, Mr. Sonny Eldstien and he wishes to represent the nutty brute."

Lavender Lane, after making a little wave to a grinning Lord Aigam, shouted at the detective...in Southern slang,"Youwer idyots intarrupted my best ever lovin'....I wuz shakin' and quakin' like a bean on a bass drum....I am suein' yall for everything my lawyer can thank uv!"

Then...the lawer, Sonny Eldstien spoke loud,"I demand the immediate release of my client!"

Detective Smith gave them all a blank look....the an angry stare while screaming,"I would like nothing more than to release this idiot...but...I say...but....there is a f*****g fifteen pound axe in one of our cruisers, three officers getting patched up at the clinic...and....my just wife called...who passes the grocery on her way home from the spa...to tell me....to stop...after work....and...get...a...f*****g gallon of SKIM....MILK!"

Their dead silence was broken by Lord Aigam asking,"What is a Skim?"

After more screaming and negotiating and screaming....then...a sudden raised eyebrow from Detective Smith......Lord Aigam was released to the custody of lawyer,Sonny Eldstien and Lavender Lane's podiatrist, Dr. Yango Moon. Detective, Sam Smith even helped find Lord Aigam a job delivering groceries at the Detective's local market.

Six months later...Detective Smith was in his office...kicked back in his chair...smiling big...looking over his divorce papers and a few pictures of his wife bent over in front of Lord Aigam.

The moral of the story: When chaos occurs...search your mind...for opportunity.